Falls Apart

I have found, for a very long term of my life, that I often find the appropriate words for my feelings from song lyrics. The song that started this train of thought is from a band called Hurt that I met in Knoxville, TN the same night I met Staind. The lyrics to this song are linked in the title of this entry if you are curious about the entire lyrics to the song. (Though

For my intentions in this entry I'll only point to specific lines. These lines have been all too real for me of late.

"I messed up again when I tried..."

Damn, do I ever feel that line...

The lesson I've been going through, that even now I'm unsure I'm finished with, has been that my 'trying' is only contributing to the dissatisfaction I'm feeling in my life. I cannot affect change for anyone save myself. Furthermore I need not shoulder the responsibility of anothers choices, regardless of what I think I would do in that situation.

Sounds easy doesn't it, just be selfish in essence. Don't worry about others and their lives, their pain. I did not make their choices, I can't be held to account. Right? Right!?

Not from my world. Ever consider that? We are all our own world's. WE control every nuance of this world, no one else lives here. Feel lonely yet? I do, I always have.

Sometimes in our orbits of life we share time and space with other worlds...I know I'm getting all metaphysical on you...tough, buckle down this rabbit hole is deep Alice. The temptation of gravity is for the world's to collide and become as one, it's even a poetic thought. However it is in direct violation with the mechanics of physics as we currently understand it. No matter can coexist within the same space and time without the destruction of matter or its resultant conversion to energy.

So what are we to do? We are all as complex as any planet, and as individual...yet we are forced to coexist, nay we want to coexist at some nascent level...it's our nature.

At least it is my nature. As such I have tried to figure out how to relate, how to interact. I have approached humanity, nay reality, as though it was a puzzle I could observe, ruminate, and solve. Funny thing about that...logic is only as good as its data. And life is too fluid.

My propensity is to assume responsibility. I feel responsible, for everything. This is not something I necessarily chose, it's just how I feel...how I have felt for as long as I can recall.

So where am I going? What does trying have to do with this? How have I failed?

Simple. My failures come as a direct result of my empathy towards others, and my inate need to solve problems...as I perceive them. Therin lies the rub, it's a problem on my world...not necessarily theirs. My ability to analyze makes me good at my job...not so much with people. Because people do not like to be broken down, and analyzed.

I think we all need that cushion of ignorance in our worlds. I seek to continually remove that cushion...I seek the hardness of reality. Not for any virtue of truth, but because I just want to know...I need to know.

"I messed up again when I tried
You spend all your money then die
And, oh! By the way,
With all you did nothing has changed
So lie like a waste by the side
As everything just falls apart
'Cause everything just fell apart for me"

So I analyze others, I see their flaws, I see their mistakes...I feel like I should do something to "help."
But everything I do changes nothing, it's unwelcome, and falls apart in the end.

"And I don't feel the need to go on
I was happier singing along the way
I had things, I need to say
But now it's like I've swallowed tape
That holds up my face from inside
As everything just falls apart
'Cause everything just fell apart for me"

This feels like where I am now...I truly don't feel the need to go on. I don't understand why. I can't get back to that place of certainty I once had. Perhaps I have finally found "reality?" If so...I have made a grievous error...and like they say there's no going back. Now I feel like I'm just waiting...waiting for things to fall apart.

"And the hell of it is what we are
We finish and wish we could start again
Our skin tears away as
Our memories fade with age
And we don't even know 'til it's gone?
But everything just fell apart
'Cause everything just falls apart for me."

No matter what else I know, I'll always wish I could start again.