Burning Bridges

I have a confession to make.  I am a bridge burner.  No, not in the physical sense...arson is still a crime.  No, my bridges are emotional ones.  I hesitate to call myself a professional, because I don't get monetary gain, but it's safe to assert I am more than adroit at it.  I'm so adept at it now I don't notice when I do it anymore.

Like most of my (infrequent would be kind) posts, I have a song in mind.  Odd as it may seem for the few who are aware of my musical predilections, this one is performed by Garth Brooks.  It is, of course, titled Burning Bridges.  Now Garth's (I figure I can call him by his first name, cause I'm like that) story centers on the storyteller's inability to commit to a relationship.  My story is similar, and broader.

First this snippet:

She'll never know how much I cared
Just that I couldn't stay
And I'll never know the reason
Why I always run away.

 The thing is...I do know why.  I spend a lot of time with introspection.   More than most would believe.  I spend most of that time analyzing my defense mechanisms.  Some days, like today, it's like I've awakened after a long sleep inside a fortress.  I know it's a fortress I designed...but I don't recall when I did all this work...or why.  Why being the first interrogative I believe ever sparked in my mind.

I lost someone this week.  Someone who was kind to me.  Kind to me even when I didn't deserve it.  I did something stupid 26 years ago.  Something I still regret to this day.  I was shoplifting.  I was also with this man and his family.  I got caught.  In return for his kindness and taking me in to his home and family I gave him the opportunity to return home and tell my parents I was in jail.  When I went to him to apologize later I remember he told me the worst part of all of it was the look in my mother's eyes, and how much that hurt him.

He also told me I was a bad influence on his children and not to come back.  So I didn't.  I burned that bridge, and didn't look back.

Why?  It hurt, that's why.  When things hurt me, I close them off.  Why do I do that?  Well it started 34 years ago, at least I believe that's when.  When I was 10 we moved for the first of many times after I was old enough that it mattered to me.  We left 205 Hemlock Ave. Alcoa, TN and moved to Mount Juliet, TN.  I was devastated.  All of my school friends my little 6th grade girlfriend Dana...all gone.  I did the usual kid stuff and swore I'd write (actual letters kids, no email or Facebook crap back then) and I think I did a few times that first year.  Then we moved again...then again...then again.  3 short years later I was in Iowa.  A boy raised in Tennessee transplanted to Iowa as a teenager is not going to have a good time of it.  Kids are cruel in ordinary circumstances in my experience.  Give them something as fantastical as a "new kid" that talks funny...yeah...pariah comes close.

Point being by this time, in my young mind, people weren't real anymore.  By the time I was 15 I'd moved from Iowa, to California, to Kansas.  I learned a lot in California.  I learned algebra, I started learning the basics of physics, I learned almost all Greek and Roman mythology.  I also learned how to fight.  I learned how to read people, analyze weaknesses, who'd be first, and how long it took before someone passed out from lack of air.

By the time I got to Kansas, I knew nothing mattered.  Why bother to learn people's names?  I knew we'd be moving again soon.  I knew lots by then.  I knew it didn't matter if I did well in school because odds were I'd never finish the school year.  I knew not to let anyone get close.  I knew to burn every bridge as I crossed it, sometimes before I crossed.

So by the time I was 17 and we moved back to the town I was born in (Why?  Seriously, why there?) I could walk into a room and tell you who I'd have to fight, and when it'd happen.  I'm not trying to paint myself as any kind of bad ass...I was just experienced.  I got beaten plenty, but I knew never to back down, and never stop unless you were unconscious.  I had one kid use the shackle end of a Master combination lock across his knuckle and he'd hit me every time I got up and I'd hit the ground.  I remember people telling me to just stay down...I didn't...and when the kid turned at the cry of "teacher, teacher!" I educated him on the finer arts of a stranglehold until the teacher pulled me off.  I passed out in the principle's office.  Some days I wonder that I'm still alive really.

The result, and back on point, is that a part of me ensures no one gets close to me, and if someone I am acquainted with hurts me I burn a bridge with haste.

I'm sorry now I have done this to so many people I've encountered.

Like ashes on the water
I drift away in sorrow
Knowing that the day
My lesson's finally learned
I'll be standing at a river
Staring out across tomorrow
And the bridge I need to get there
Will be a bridge that I have burned. 

I realized today, maybe for the first time, that I may be "safe" but I'm also unrooted.  I'm hoping I'm not quite at that river across from tomorrow yet.  I'm still hoping that I can correct this behavior.

Burning bridges one by one
What I'm doin' can't be undone
And I'm always hoping someday
I'm gonna stop this runnin' around
But every time the chance comes up
Another bridge goes down. 

I did get to see my friend again a couple years ago and was welcomed back into his home.  I tried to pick up where we left off...but time is a funny thing...like a river.  And I've gone a long, long way in the last 20 or so years.  Now when I come across people from back then I feel like I've materialized on Mars.  Because I crossed that bridge...and lit that sucker as I went.

I'm still sorry.  I always will be.

Burning Bridges Lyrics - Garth Brooks


Yesterday she thanked me
For oilin' that front door
This morning when she wakes
She won't be thankful anymore
She'll never know how much I cared
Just that I couldn't stay
And I'll never know the reason
Why I always run away.

(chorus)
Burning bridges one by one
What I'm doin' can't be undone
And I'm always hoping someday
I'm gonna stop this runnin' around
But every time the chance comes up
Another bridge goes down.

Last night we talked of old times
Families and home towns
Whe wondered if we'd both agree
On where we'd settle down
And I told her that we'd cross that bridge
Whenever it arrived
Now through the flames I see her
Standin' on the other side

*chorus*
Like ashes on the water
I drift away in sorrow
Knowing that the day
My lesson's finally learned
I'll be standing at a river
Staring out across tomorrow
And the bridge I need to get there
Will be a bridge that I have burned.

*chorus*
Another bridge goes down